An Open Letter...

to all my friends who don't have medically-fragile children,

   First, let me start by saying I miss you. This stage of life we're in, raising tiny people, can sometimes feel like a run-out-the-clock (until bedtime) sort of situation. I know we're both busy. I know life is crazy. It doesn't make me miss you any less. I think about you more than you know.

   I realize I am MIA from time to time. And, I know there are times you take that personal. I'd like to ask you to take pause before you let it hurt. It's not intentional. I promise. Sometimes I can answer your text right away. Sometimes I open it and immediately have to drop my phone and run. And, unfortunately, I never know which one it's going to be.

   I need to apologize. I know that there are times it seems like I think I'm superior to you because I'm going through something you can't understand. I'm sure I've unintentionally given off the vibe that "I know your life is stressful, but look how much more stressful mine is..." I also know I probably seem selfish because of how often I talk about my family's needs. You are probably tired of hearing about how hard my life is or how painful it is to watch my child go through this or how frustrating insurance and doctors and big pharma are. I'm sure you are tired of hearing the same prayer requests at every church service or prayer meeting (and if you're not, that's because I'm afraid you are so I don't bring it up anymore).

   I am really sorry if you've ever felt that way.

   I'm sorry for the times you have felt overlooked because it's 'always about me'. I try to not let this be the case. But, to be honest, when those moments happen, more often than not, it is a desperate plea for you to SEE ME. For you to notice me. To hopefully be understood on some small level. And, to be shown grace for all the times you've felt like I've let you down.

   Because the truth is, you can't know what this is like. You cannot understand. And, to be really honest, it hurts when you say you do. Because that's when I know you really don't see me.

   The really hard thing is that, as much as I want to feel understood by you, I know the only way for that to happen is to have you going through the same thing. And, there's NO CHANCE I'd EVER wish this upon you. I would never wish upon you the constant worry and wondering when the next seizure is going to strike and never being comfortable or at peace if she's out of your sight and the nonsense of dealing with medicine schedules and refilling prescriptions and fighting with insurance and doctor's appointments and tests and more tests and not enough tests and wondering why in 5 years we've never had her seizures under control and giving every ounce of yourself every single day just to have to do it all night too and yet fearing sleep and slides and swings and pools and bath time and food coloring and candy (and trick-or-treat and valentines and christmas candy and easter egg hunts and birthday treats at school) and trips in the car and having to go to meetings at school to educate the staff on epilepsy and emergency procedures and writing protocols and changing EVERYTHING every few months because nothing works and trips to the ER... so many trips to the ER and dealing with soiled bed sheets and clothes because seizures take away her ability to control it and holding your unresponsive child and not being able to hold your other children because this one NEEDS you again and watching her be unable to form coherent sentences even though you can tell she knows what she wants but cannot find the words or seeing her blue and convulsing on the floor and begging God to heal her because you know that every single seizure has the potential to take her from you forever and still always hearing "not yet."

   Nope. I really don't want you to understand that.

   I know there are things that you have experienced that I cannot understand because I have not walked through those same trials. And, I apologize for the times when I have cheapened your experiences by presuming that I know what it was like to be you in those scenarios or, worse... made you feel like that matters less than what I've dealt with. Please, please forgive me.

   So, I guess what it comes down to is this... dear friend, I'm asking for grace and patience. Before you allow yourself to feel hurt that I don't initiate, consider the possibility that it was a bad epilepsy night and we didn't get much sleep. Before you mentally roll your eyes when I start venting about things, please consider that I'm trying to let you in on a very challenging and painful thing we're experiencing and I'm trying to help you understand. Before you tell me you "get it" or that you understand, maybe consider the possibility that you don't. And, know that I think that's ok. I don't need you to understand. Some days it's all I can do to simply make sure my family successfully makes it through the day. If I somehow am blessed with the energy to not only go out with you, but also have the mental capacity to hold a grown-up and coherent conversation, please, at some point during our time together, just listen. That's all I really need. I need someone to hear the hurt, to hear the stress, to hear my heart, and to be ok with me just as I am that day.

And, please, always remember that (even when I can't express it well) I love you and am so grateful for your friendship.

Weigh Your Words

So, I'm out in my garden trying to prune back the leaves that were decimated by the surprise frost we had the other night and I can't get this out of my head.

I've been wanting to write something feel-good for a while now.
       *Spoiler alert* This isn't it.

My heart hurts.

I don't even know how to actually say this...

Maybe this will work:

Weigh your words. 

Can we all try to be a little more careful and selective with what comes out of our mouths and especially how we say things?

I'm 31. And, I'm married. And, I'm a mom... a mom to little littles.
And it's hard.

I wish I was a more confident person. But, I second-guess myself and my decisions.
Constantly.

Am I feeding the kids right? Do they need to go up a size in clothes/shoes? Should we buy *fill-in-the-blank* or *fill in the other blank* on our tight budget this month? Did I discipline appropriately for that scenario? Should she still be taking an afternoon nap? Is it better to start a family devotion and never finish or should we just not start at all so we don't teach our kids that its ok if you don't follow through? Is the food coloring in that cupcake going to give my kid ADHD? Do they need a sweatshirt today? Do we vaccinate? Not vaccinate? Stagger/delay vaccinations? Should we sacrifice our dreams to make sure our kids are growing up closer to family? How much juice is too much juice? Should I homeschool again or send him to the public school? Is it selfish to take some "me time"? Did I treat that rash with the right stuff? And, it goes on and on and on...!

And, the craziest part isn't how many things I can question every single day.
The craziest thing isn't even that no matter what I choose, somebody is going to disagree. I've come to terms with this truth.
Hands down, the craziest thing is that when someone inevitably disagrees with our choices, they are going to feel that their opinion matters so much and is SO RIGHT that they need to tell me about it with ridiculously bold language that leaves no doubt that if I still choose the opposite of what they say,  I am obviously the WORST mother in the entire universe and I'm ruining my kids for life.

Dramatic? Yup.

Does that really happen? Yup.

I know this is cliche, but, you guys, I'M OVER IT.

I cannot believe how often I have conversations with girlfriends of mine who are in this very challenging stage of life with littles at home who tell me that someone has reprimanded them for a decision they made.

No decision I have ever made regarding my children (or anything else for that matter) has been 100%, unanimously, completely agreed with and approved by every single person on this planet. I'm going to disappoint someone.

It's fine if you disagree with my choices, but please, watch your language. I mean, I have had STRANGERS tell me that I'm "handing my kids over to the devil" and that I'm "obviously not a Christian" and a "total hypocrite" based on something I put on Facebook once.

They don't know me. They don't know that the decision they were tearing apart was prayed over, counsel was sought from people we trust, scripture was researched, and it was not made lightly. But, sure, go ahead and destroy everything about me even though we've never met. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

Those harsh words - that is the devil's work. he is a master of slander. he wants me to second-guess everything. he wants me to believe I'm failing my husband, my kids, my God. he is the master of lies and manipulation and guilt and fear. he wants me to be so paralyzed that I never make decisions and step out in faith.

STOP HELPING him tear young mothers down.

We all second-guess ourselves enough. We don't need others to help us feel like failures! Stop confirming the lies we're being told that we are raising our kids wrong or failing at being moms!

Weigh your words. 

Is it really necessary to say it?

If you are that concerned, get in my life. Talk to me with kindness. Find out my motives FIRST before you judge. If you truly have a concern about something I'm doing with my kid, ask a question. Find out why I did it before you tell me how to fix something I don't think is broken.

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires." -James 1:19-20

I am willing to listen to people in my life. If someone who knows me has a concern, I am able to hear it. But, if you don't know the full story, how can you have such a strong opinion on it?

And, don't you know that God is bigger than that? He can and will redeem situations that I screw up. He will be victorious through my failings.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." -Philippians 1:6

Trust Him with me. Trust Him to make up for my lacking. Trust Him to fill in the gaps I leave in my kids. I do. I have to. I have to trust that if I am doing what I believe He wants me to and I still screw up, that He is going to answer my prayer that He'll redeem it and fix it anyway.

Then, if you still think I'm wrong, pray for me. Trust Him to correct me. He corrects me gently. He corrects with kindness and love. He corrects and teaches with my best interests at heart.

I'm just so heartbroken by how many of my friends feel just devastated by random people who claim to have "good intentions" but seem to have nothing but harsh words.

It's hard enough to be a young mom these days. Why be so critical and hurtful? Why be so judgmental? Why be so disapproving without offering some kindness, help, encouragement?

Choose kindness. 

I say that to my five year old at least once a day and now I'm saying to all of you grown-ups reading this.

Choose kindness.

In your words, your thoughts, your actions.

Weigh your words.
Choose kindness.

Err on the side of kindness.
Be too kind. Be too forgiving. Be too gracious.

-kt

"So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." -Galatians 6:10

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:29-32

Weed Your Life

I've started gardening.

As a self-proclaimed "black thumb," I really have no business attempting a garden.

Yet, here I am, hoping against hope that I get SOMETHING out of the ground during harvest time.

We just moved to this home this past February.

I've heard it said that you should never plant in a new yard the first year you're there so that you can see what is already planted.

Do you want to know what's here?

Let me tell you what is here...

WEEDS!

Lots of them.

Everywhere.

But, I didn't know what was what so I took to Facebook for all the answers.
(I mean, who doesn't do that nowadays?!)
((Thanks to everyone who responded, by the way))

I quickly learned what to pull and what to keep.

One of my favorite responses was from our sweet friends and former mentors from Green Bay.

Lydia said this:

Mark always says anything you don't like or want where it is is simply a weed...pretty or not

I think that was really good advice. It made weeding a lot easier because I stopped being so concerned about what each thing was and started thinking about my garden and my yard as a whole. I started focusing on the end goal, my hope for my yard, what I wanted it to be like. This made every decision about every individual plant so much easier.

And then, one afternoon, with my hands in the dirt, I got to thinking...

Weeds tend to take up the nutrients and water that should be going to the plants that you intended to grow. If left unattended, they will take over and push out the good things in your garden.

So, we need to ask - What are the "weeds" in our lives?

These can be unhealthy habits, time-suckers, or even good things that are simply misplaced. Maybe you have too many things going on. Maybe you are pursuing something good, but it's just not the right time. Maybe you are letting yourself get distracted or lazy about something you need to be proactive about. It might be time to weed some of those out.

We have to get rid of the weeds so that the things we cherish have room to flourish.

I've been struggling with my identity for a while. Becoming a mom is hard. You go from carefully curating a collection of activities and experiences in your life to being completely at the mercy of each whim, desire, and need of a tiny human. I've spent too long thinking of all the things I can no longer do, the "me" I can no longer be. And while part of this is due to our relocation, much of it simply has to do with having three little kids that I am responsible for all day and night, every day and night.

As I was weeding in my garden, I began to think about my life. There are a lot of things I'd rather not do. Things that I wish were weeds that I could simply pull and throw in the fire. Sometimes there are days where I get overwhelmed with diapers and dishes and laundry and diffusing pointless fights and cleaning up unnecessary messes and wondering if my life currently means anything at all.

But, since those things are non-negotiable with tiny children, I need to be ok with picking a few things that I do want to be true of me and focusing on those. (There will come a time later on when they are older and I will be able to start doing some of the things I don't currently have time for.)

I need to rip out the real weeds, rip out the misplaced plants, and spend my time and energy on the few that I want to see succeed. I need to stop dreaming about what my garden will look like someday and start cultivating it to be the best it can be now.

And, just like weeding my garden with three small kids around, this will take time. It's going to take time to figure out what I want to make room for and what can be put aside until later. (I mean, it took me three days just to weed a tiny flowerbed in our yard. There's no way I'm figuring out my life while typing this blog post!)

It also requires maintenance. I walk through my garden every day to pull the little weeds that made their way above ground during the night. I know I will need to continually evaluate the things in my life to make sure they are taking the right amount of time and priority.

One weed for me has been technology. I love my time with my computer and my phone. I love social media, because out here in the middle of no where, it makes me feel somewhat connected. But, I also know that I can waste a LOT of time looking at screens instead of my kids. I have good intentions. Often I'm looking up ideas for things I can do with the kids or ways to make their playroom better or recipes to try for Evie. But, even so, I know I spend too much time with my computer and not enough with them.

So, that needs to get pulled (or at least pruned). And, in it's place, I've planted...

One fun thing - per kid - per day. 

I've been trying to do (at least) one fun thing, per kid, per day.
I'm not the kind of mom that is all tea parties and crafts and games and books from the moment they get up until bedtime.
I am an introvert by nature and with Evie's dietary needs, that would just be too exhausting.
So, this is my baby step.

Today was kicking a soccer ball around with Jake, painting with Evie, and practicing crawling with Izzie.

I know that to you moms who this comes naturally for, you're probably thinking how terrible I am for needing to be intentional about this, though I'm SURE I'm not alone.

Now, at the end of the day, no matter what else happens, I will be able to go to bed knowing that I spent quality time with each of my kids. It wasn't much. I know I can do better. But, it's something. They had my time, my attention, my eyes and ears, they had me for those moments. It has honestly made our home so much more peaceful during the day. When I do need a minute, they are more willing to give it to me.

Baby steps. Pruning. Pulling. Transplanting.

I'm going to be a work in progress, but hopefully my life and my days will start looking a little more like I want them to.

-kt

Why We Let Our Kids Go Trick-or-Treating... and other thoughts on Halloween

 Halloween is a very controversial topic among Christians.

*I am not suggesting that this should be the standard for your family. I believe that each Christian should ask the Lord what he/she should do and should base their actions on that.*

My husband and I have done that. We are comfortable with our decision.
I will not judge you for your decision... please offer me the same level of respect.

So, with that said, here's our thoughts on Halloween.

I personally am quite uncomfortable with most Halloween decorations. I place pumpkins around my home, but it pretty much stops there. I don't believe in ghosts or zombies and I don't want my home to be covered in those things. I want my home to always be inviting, warm, loving, and traditional Halloween decorations do not reflect those things.

While we obviously don't want to train our children to participate in evil, we do want to train our children to get in there and actively fight it.

And, while you can make a point by standing on the sidelines, you're not truly in the fight unless you're IN the fight. You can't win a battle if you don't participate.

Jesus didn't sit on the sidelines. He called out the demons. He ate dinner with hookers and corrupt tax collectors. He looked evil in the face and, when it seemed all hope was lost, he rose again and conquered it forever. 

He got his hands dirty.

I was the kind of kid who, if kept away from something "bad," began to fear it. I still fear the unknown. I wish that instead I had someone walk me though scary or controversial situations to show me how to handle it and how to stay above reproach in the midst of it.

Fear and lack of understanding is NOT how I want my kids to face unknown or new situations.

We will accomplish so much more by taking our small children around and showing those who hoped to scare them that our kids are already wise enough to know there is nothing to fear by their decorations and costumes because they have Jesus on their side.

I want my kids to be able to walk into every situation armed with the power of Christ and the ability to bring light into it. And, I want them to show others that we can always have fun and experience joy with them.

I will not send them into situations unarmed or alone. But, my husband and I can walk with them through this and teach them how to be "in the world but not of it."

It's possible.

And, I don't think I'll do it perfect every time, but thankfully God shows me grace and I trust that He can protect my kids even when I fail.

I know that as they grow, situations are going to be a lot harder to discern than 'should I let my kids put on a cute costume and get free candy?' But I believe the principle will remain the same.

Instead of staying in our own little bubble to make a point, we can go out on a night where most of our neighbors are outside, walking around, open to talking and getting to know others. We can introduce ourselves and let them see that we're humans, too. We can be friendly and kind and compliment their children's costumes. We can laugh with them and share some sweets. We can make memories with them. We can set a good example by having fun and creative costumes without the scary/gory aspect. We can "do life" with our neighbors.

We can get our hands dirty. 

What if Jesus had said, "Oh geez, that guy is demon possessed! That's too much darkness and I won't take part in that, because that's just too much! Obviously Satan has won this round..."? I don't ever want my kids to think there is so much bad that the good they can bring isn't worth getting into it.

I don't believe that by trick-or-treating I'm being passive and exposing my children to evils that they don't yet understand. I KNOW I'm being intentional and using this to teach them spiritual principles... and letting them have a little fun and a little sugar-rush along the way is a plus.

If we don't stand up and fight evil, bring light into it, show it that it cannot win, who will?

I believe that by ignoring it or fearing it, we give it more power. We need to get involved. We need to participate. We need to go in armed with God's power and spread His light. We won't be able to share our opinions about the origin of this day if we aren't around anyone who will hear it. And, we'll never be able to speak to someone on a heart level when they are feeling judged. Do life with people. Love them where they are. Stay above reproach in the midst of controversial situations. Be the light that Jesus wants us to be. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Hide it under a bushel? NO! Let it shine.

-kt

Three

I've only been the mom to three kiddos for a month now, so I don't claim to be an expert here, but... here are some of the things I've learned this past month.


1. Us parents may be outnumbered now and we may have had to switch from man-to-man to a zone defense BUT we still have four hands between the two of us and there are only three of them so we still have the advantage... right?

2. 2-year-olds enjoy having a baby in the house for approximately 15 minutes each day. The whole rest of the day is spent in agony over the fact that they no longer can command mommy's full attention at any given moment.

3. Number 3 has the ability to know the second you are about to put food in your mouth and will demand to also be fed at that precise moment. Count on it.

4. With all the baby gear finding it's way out of storage, my otherwise uncluttered house is beginning to feel quite claustrophobic. I feel another round of purging, garbage and donations coming on... if only I could find the time...

5. Being SUPER INTENTIONAL about spending time with your spouse becomes even more important. Merely being roommates is unacceptable. We must be a team. And there has to be life-giving friendship and romance between the two of you or these days can get long and lonely.

6. Making sure the older kids feel connected to the baby at least once a day is invaluable. Letting them "hold" her or help with a diaper change (read: throw away the dirty one) makes them feel like they are important and they seem to love her even more in those moments. And, it helps them be more patient when she is taking me away from them temporarily.

7. Having some alone time in the morning before the older two wake is even more important for me now. I gotta get my game face on before the littles attack my morning. Otherwise, I feel like this...

8. Let people love you. Having help is not a sign that you can't do things on your own. It's simply an expression of the care that others have for you and, frankly, a blessing. Accept it.

I'm sure I have many more lessons coming my way, but this is all I have time for right now.
-kt