An Open Letter...

to all my friends who don't have medically-fragile children,

   First, let me start by saying I miss you. This stage of life we're in, raising tiny people, can sometimes feel like a run-out-the-clock (until bedtime) sort of situation. I know we're both busy. I know life is crazy. It doesn't make me miss you any less. I think about you more than you know.

   I realize I am MIA from time to time. And, I know there are times you take that personal. I'd like to ask you to take pause before you let it hurt. It's not intentional. I promise. Sometimes I can answer your text right away. Sometimes I open it and immediately have to drop my phone and run. And, unfortunately, I never know which one it's going to be.

   I need to apologize. I know that there are times it seems like I think I'm superior to you because I'm going through something you can't understand. I'm sure I've unintentionally given off the vibe that "I know your life is stressful, but look how much more stressful mine is..." I also know I probably seem selfish because of how often I talk about my family's needs. You are probably tired of hearing about how hard my life is or how painful it is to watch my child go through this or how frustrating insurance and doctors and big pharma are. I'm sure you are tired of hearing the same prayer requests at every church service or prayer meeting (and if you're not, that's because I'm afraid you are so I don't bring it up anymore).

   I am really sorry if you've ever felt that way.

   I'm sorry for the times you have felt overlooked because it's 'always about me'. I try to not let this be the case. But, to be honest, when those moments happen, more often than not, it is a desperate plea for you to SEE ME. For you to notice me. To hopefully be understood on some small level. And, to be shown grace for all the times you've felt like I've let you down.

   Because the truth is, you can't know what this is like. You cannot understand. And, to be really honest, it hurts when you say you do. Because that's when I know you really don't see me.

   The really hard thing is that, as much as I want to feel understood by you, I know the only way for that to happen is to have you going through the same thing. And, there's NO CHANCE I'd EVER wish this upon you. I would never wish upon you the constant worry and wondering when the next seizure is going to strike and never being comfortable or at peace if she's out of your sight and the nonsense of dealing with medicine schedules and refilling prescriptions and fighting with insurance and doctor's appointments and tests and more tests and not enough tests and wondering why in 5 years we've never had her seizures under control and giving every ounce of yourself every single day just to have to do it all night too and yet fearing sleep and slides and swings and pools and bath time and food coloring and candy (and trick-or-treat and valentines and christmas candy and easter egg hunts and birthday treats at school) and trips in the car and having to go to meetings at school to educate the staff on epilepsy and emergency procedures and writing protocols and changing EVERYTHING every few months because nothing works and trips to the ER... so many trips to the ER and dealing with soiled bed sheets and clothes because seizures take away her ability to control it and holding your unresponsive child and not being able to hold your other children because this one NEEDS you again and watching her be unable to form coherent sentences even though you can tell she knows what she wants but cannot find the words or seeing her blue and convulsing on the floor and begging God to heal her because you know that every single seizure has the potential to take her from you forever and still always hearing "not yet."

   Nope. I really don't want you to understand that.

   I know there are things that you have experienced that I cannot understand because I have not walked through those same trials. And, I apologize for the times when I have cheapened your experiences by presuming that I know what it was like to be you in those scenarios or, worse... made you feel like that matters less than what I've dealt with. Please, please forgive me.

   So, I guess what it comes down to is this... dear friend, I'm asking for grace and patience. Before you allow yourself to feel hurt that I don't initiate, consider the possibility that it was a bad epilepsy night and we didn't get much sleep. Before you mentally roll your eyes when I start venting about things, please consider that I'm trying to let you in on a very challenging and painful thing we're experiencing and I'm trying to help you understand. Before you tell me you "get it" or that you understand, maybe consider the possibility that you don't. And, know that I think that's ok. I don't need you to understand. Some days it's all I can do to simply make sure my family successfully makes it through the day. If I somehow am blessed with the energy to not only go out with you, but also have the mental capacity to hold a grown-up and coherent conversation, please, at some point during our time together, just listen. That's all I really need. I need someone to hear the hurt, to hear the stress, to hear my heart, and to be ok with me just as I am that day.

And, please, always remember that (even when I can't express it well) I love you and am so grateful for your friendship.

The Big Move to Big Sky Country

Some of you know that we ended up having to be out of our old place a week earlier than we had hoped, so we ended up getting some intense quality time with a sweet family in town! They took us (and ALL of our stuff) in during the transition time. 

Many thanks to Kelly and Katie Elkins for all the love and generosity you showed us. 

I can't explain how cared for we felt that week. There were lots of good conversations, good coffee, laughter, AND they really cared for me as we lost our sweet dog, Cooper Duke, while my hubby was out of town.

Thank you, sweet friends.

So many amazing friends showed up to help us load the UHaul in Lake City. We are so grateful. I got the opportunity to say sweet, intentional goodbyes to several of the women who made our time in Lake City so wonderful. I will miss each of them, as well as the ones I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to. Our time in Lake City was full of trials and tribulations and sweetest and friendships and good times and challenges and everything wonderful. 

The girls and I took off before the moving van was fully loaded because we had to pick up my dad from DIA. John and Jake were following behind in the moving truck with our horse trailer. 

Once we picked up my dad, we headed to the home of a former camper of ours whose parents graciously put us all up for the night. We felt so welcomed and blessed by them. They made us a wonderful dinner, provided such comfy accommodations, made and ate an amazing breakfast with us the next morning, AND gave us two horses. For real. I mean, geez. It was almost hard to leave. My dad, the girls, and I actually left later than we wanted to just because it was hard to leave. :) Special thanks to the Calhouns. We love you guys. 

That day was the longest day for us. We left the Denver/Colorado Springs area that morning, passed through Wyoming (where we stopped in the sweestest little town of Wheatland for lunch at Yacco's) and made it to eastern Montana later that evening. The girls and our puppy did great on the road. My dad and I were also able to have some really great conversations. I guess spending a day in a car together provides that opportunity. I'm grateful. It's not the kind of thing that happens when there are other distractors like tv, other family members, etc. This will be a sweet spot in my memory of times spent with my dad. We stopped in Miles City for gas and groceries before getting back on the road for the final stretch. 

We were relieved to find the beds made up and towels out for us in the bathrooms so we could just crash that night and deal with unloading in the morning. John and I have been mentally preparing for this move for a while so it all seemed normal to us, but it was fun to watch my dad discover what our lives were going to look like. 

One of the best moments was when one of John's new bosses showed up with his wife. They brought us a crockpot of soup... and three kittens. When my dad commented on how unusual that was, their response surprised him a bit: they are pest control. Ha! And, let me say, they are the cutest little pest control ever. ;)

Eventually we got everything into the house and it has been a slow process of getting it all settled. 

You know that saying, "You don't know what you've got til it's gone"? Well, I knew my dad was doing a lot but I didn't actually know how much until he left. I feel like I got so much done while he was here and haven't been able to do A THING since he left. Dad, COME BACK!

Thank you so much for all the help you gave us. The kids are still asking for you to come back. Just the other night when John asked Ev who she wanted to pray for, her only response was, "Papa Scott!"

So, anyway, be coming back here to see updates on the life of a cattle rancher's wife. I'm sure I'll be no Pioneer Woman anytime soon, but I will be posting pictures of cute cows. :)

-kt

Fun on the 4th

I love the 4th of July.

The weather is usually great, it's a good excuse to see friends and family, the food is fantastic.
As a kid, it usually included going to my aunt and uncle's lake house, Mt. Pleasant fireworks with my dad's popcorn, the big fireworks on Lake Michigan (ALWAYS with good friends), popsicles, potato salad, bbq chicken by dad on the grill, bonfires, pool time and loads of sunshine.

And, the occasional matching t-shirts from Old Navy.

Seriously, who didn't have to wear one of these as a kid? And, a better question, will they EVER stop making them?

This was our third 4th of July in CO. And, while I have very high standards set by good ole Racine, I have to say, Lake City does the 4th well. If they didn't, I'd be tempted to travel back to WI just for the holiday.

It was a little bittersweet for us that this was the first year John wasn't riding a horse in the parade. It is so fun to watch him and other camp people riding by on our sweet horses, but this year he actually got to sit with us! So, that's fun.

We live in a town of between 300-400ish but for the 4th, our population EXPLODES. There are people everywhere. My parents were here for the 4th last year and laughed when I told them this morning that we actually had a traffic jam in town after the fireworks last night. We sat still for no more than 5 minutes. BUT, to us, that's a HUGE traffic jam.

Anyway, on to pictures!

The day starts here with an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at the school (which we didn't go to) followed by a parade (which we did go to).

Somebody was mesmerized by the firetrucks...

I think he gets that from his Papa Scott.

Then, this fella came wandering through.

Because what parade is complete without Uncle Sam on stilts? No parade I want to be at, that's for sure.

I got to see this lovely lady. (Check out her blog for tasty recipes)

This is most people's opinion... especially during this holiday...

This little lady was a trooper in the hot sun. She especially enjoyed when they started throwing candy. (note the clenched fist)

The parade is followed by booths full of goodies, crafts, and fair food around the park and near our shops "downtown" where you can find ice cream, coffee drinks, t-shirts, souvenirs, candy,... all sorts of goodies, all with an old-fashioned, small town feel.

The park is packed with tourists and locals and everyone anxiously anticipates the start of the foot races.

No kidding.

The afternoon is spent with all different age divisions participating in foot races at the town park.
Hilarious.

And, cut throat. Some of these races get intense!

We made the executive (read: mommy and daddy) decision to take our kiddos home to rest. But, not before getting our annual turkey leg to share. (Yum!)

The kids were exhausted. And, in true Lake City fashion, it down-poured during the afternoon anyway. Here, that is welcome. It cools off the heat of the day and always brings that sweet mountain smell. I think that must be what Heaven smells like.

Anyway, the next stop for us was dinner, games and fireworks with some sweet friends that evening.

We played this game (that I can't remember the name of) and other than the times when my third-trimester-sized belly got in the way, it was really fun!

This little man is not picky, as long as it has wheels and he can get some good speed, he'll ride it.

And, then there is this girl.

We do NOT take enough photos together.

But, I try to get plenty of them!

Ok, so we were up the hill where Lake City starts. There is a valley you can't see in this picture that town is nestled in.

WAY across the valley (I had my 'big girl' zoom lens on my camera) and up another hill is a water tower. That is where they shoot the fireworks off from. This picture is of them watering down the brush near the water tower. Can't be too careful!

Here's a picture pulled back a little further. The circle is around that water tower.

And, this was my first attempt at firework photos with my 'big girl' camera. What do you think?

After the fireworks, when all the kids were nice and sleepy, someone wrapped up the little miss and she turned to me and said, "Look! Mom! Cozy," with the sweetest smile on her face. 

I'm so thankful for the men and women who have gone before us and for those who are currently devoting their lives to making sure that my family and I can have days like this.
Hope your 4th of July was as great as mine.
-kt

The end...

It's the end of an era.

The Bible tells us that there is a time to mourn...

...this is that time.

I'm turning 30.

BUT, instead of focusing on the fact that my 20's are over and how sad that makes me, I think I need to reflect on all the awesome that took place during these 10 years.

*DISCLAIMER* This is a very personal post. I wrote it more for me... so I won't be offended if you stop reading now.  :)

Year 20
I began my 20's living with the BEST roommates. Women I really admire.

I was dating the man who I would eventually marry.

I was studying a subject that really interested me at a school where I loved the ministry I was apart of.

I was raising support to move to Lake Tahoe for the summer.

I spent that summer with some of the most amazing people I've ever known and that was where God stirred my heart to head overseas.

Year 21
I was able to travel. A lot. All over the States. From the west coast for MPD training, to the South to visit friends, to the Southeast for Spring Break and to visit my sweet Great Aunt.  (Not to mention JesusLand - for real! There were camels and everything!)

And, then I kept traveling. I got on a plane in August and headed to CO for a week followed by moving to the other side of the world. Literally.

Oh the adventures we had! Learning a new language and culture. Exploring. New foods. New friends.  New memories. Priceless. I know I'll never again experience anything like that. I'm so grateful for that time. If nothing else, I feel like I walked away from that year with such a bigger understanding of God and His love for ALL people. Invaluable.

During my time overseas, year 22 started...

Year 22
More traveling, more exploring, more new friends.

Don't mind me looking like a mess... it was humid!

Returning to the States was hard. It was so difficult to bring the person I had become and the experiences I had back to people who hadn't seen me evolve in those ways, and therefore expected me to be the same girl who left. I just wasn't.

Some friendships were strained, others were blossoming.

I got a job I ended up LOVING as a barista at Starbucks. Seriously, best.job.ever.

Year 23
I officially moved to Green Bay.

John proposed.  :)

I graduated from college.

We were planning the wedding while he was living his new-found dream of working with livestock in the mountains.

And, then he returned and we got married!

Year 24
One of the best.

Even though being married brought challenges and we lived in our fair share of crummy apartments, we had an awesome first year.

I was actually using my degree in the Psych world. It was a hard job, but I took comfort in the fact that this was what I trained for.

Some girlfriends and I started our Core 4 - which ended up being one of the BEST things that I've ever being apart of. Ever. I'm so grateful.

New friendships were forming and growing.

I joined the worship team at church.

God was definitely starting to build a foundation of authentic friendships and great leadership in my life. I had no idea.

We moved.

And, apparently I didn't take too many photos...

Year 25
Very shortly after my 25th birthday, we found out we were expecting our first baby.

My Core 4 changed a bit.

I started in a Titus 2 Homemaking Group. Loved every minute.

We moved... again.

We had the Little Mister show up early (but not too early).  :)

I started playing around with a nice camera.

Year 26
I quit my job to stay home with the Little Mister and do in-home childcare.

My Core 4 and I got closer and closer. (That'll happen when you all have your 1st babies within 6 months of each other)

We moved again.

Year 27
Oh, you know, I just ran a marathon. No big deal.

And, then we got pregnant with the Little Miss.

Her pregnancy was pretty rough and we had to say goodbye to my sweet grandmother and my great-aunt.

We made even more memories with our sweet friends.

John got hired on by a camp in Colorado to be their Equestrian Program Manager and we started raising support.

And had the Little Miss.

Year 28
Ev went back into the hospital shortly after my birthday which post-poned our next move temporarily.

Then, we moved... again.

This time it was into my in-law's house so we could save up some money while we raised the rest of our support.

We spent the spring there and then...

...you guessed it. We moved.

Out to CO this time to work as missionaries at a Christian Camp.

We had a blast getting to know our sweet new hometown and the ways of the camp.

We came back to WI for my Gparent's 60th Anniversary celebration and we had Evie dedicated by my Uncle David.

And, guess what? WE MOVED AGAIN.
(but this time it was TOTALLY worth it)  :)

One tough thing from this year: Evie was diagnosed with seizures.

Year 29
I spent a lot of time with the kids at the park and the library, getting to know tourists and locals.

We thoroughly enjoyed the busyness of camp and town.

Friday horse shows were my favorite.

And, we got to play - we snowshoed, hiked 14'ers, camped out, went to the hot springs, explored on horseback, I learned a little more about training horses and was able to contribute to camp by playing photographer.

My family came out to bring my nieces and my cousin's daughter to Horse Camp. They were here for the 4th of July, which is THE BEST here.

We were able to travel back to WI for my grandmother's funeral, the annual family trip with John's family, Christmas and John's grandpa's funeral.

I did have a little accident with the truck, but God provided through it.

Some sweet friends came to visit.

SURPRISE! We moved again! This time onto camp property.

We also added a little lady to our family.

So, I guess, all things considered, saying goodbye to my 20's isn't the worst thing.
I've come a long way... and I've had awesome friends and family on this journey with me.
I'm so grateful.

And, I'm excited to see what my 30's will bring!
I guess we'll see!
-kt