So,... this is happening...

Homeschooling.

One of the things my husband and I disagreed on in the early negotiations of our marriage.

He was all for it.

My thought was, "Why would I homeschool? I survived public school. Our kids can, too!"
(Seriously, though, the thought totally intimidated me!)

But, this boy.

Oh, this boy.

He's so smart. And, he LOVES to learn.

We feel like he's ready to be challenged more than can be provided right now in a classroom setting.

Not to mention how far we live from school right now.

And, the fact that his newest little sister is going to show up in about 2 1/2 weeks. 

Yes, my motives are (kinda) selfish.

No, I don't want to have to drive into town 3 days a week with a 2 year old and a newborn this winter to pick the Little Mister up.
No, I don't want the morning battles we had last year when he needed to get up for preschool but was sleeping soundly.

BUT...

Mostly, I want to see him be challenged and learn at grow at a pace that is best for him,... not dependent on what is best for all the kids in his class.
I want to spend that time influencing him.
I want to have a Bible lesson included in his studies.
I want the chance for his dad to be involved, too.
I want his little sister to get the benefit of watching him learn.
I want to be the one who gets to see how excited he is to learn new things.
I want the chance to plan field trips and other activities with the other homeschool families here.

This really has nothing to do with the school.
We honestly love the teachers he'd have this year and he really loved going to school last year.

It would be good to send him back to school,...
   ... but we feel that this is best.

So, today we started this journey and honestly, it was awesome.
We finished a lot sooner than I thought we would and he was asking for more.
I had a doctor's appt to get to so we couldn't do more today but I love the flexibility that this will give us. Most days we will be able to do what he wants/needs. He was so excited.

I think the biggest challenges are going to be mine: patience, preparation, etc.
But, I'm excited to see how we both grow through it.

I've also felt a little bit like he has been overshadowed by the Little Miss's health issues. This is going to be quality and focused one-on-one time just for him. I'm excited to see how we bond through it.

Wish us luck!
I plan to post updates and things I learn along the way.

-kt

Processing... (and a FREE printable)

Fear used to come out in subtle ways...

Insecurity that would hold me back from trying new things or giving my all on the court = fear of failure.

Sticking to friends who already knew me because I was sure that new people wouldn't like me or find me cool enough = fear of rejection.

Not volunteering to help in situations where I may have been able to contribute something valuable = fear of disappointing others.

But, I've taken baby steps.
Running the marathon was a BIG deal for me because I had to put many fears aside in order to do it. I had feared that I wouldn't finish, that I'd look ridiculous, that I'd get injured and in doing so, disappoint all who came to cheer me on. But, mainly I feared proving all of my self-doubt right, that I would inevitably fail.

I didn't.

I certainly didn't have an outstanding finish time, but all things considered, I rocked that marathon.

In my life, I usually go one of two ways: either I let insecurities stop me from doing little things or I attack big things head on.

Things that were a big deal to me were things that I could somehow run at full steam.
On the other hand, if something could be considered small or not a big deal, I could justify brushing it off and not trying because it didn't really matter.

The problem with that was that I was getting myself into the habit of letting fear and insecurity win because I was getting used to giving up on lots of little things every day.

I know this sounds weird, but here's an example. I enjoyed singing on the worship team at our church of over a thousand people where I would be singing into a microphone or have solos, duets, whatever but the idea of being in the choir freaked me out. I don't know why... don't ask.

But, it feels like my fears are a lot more obvious now.

After everything with the Little Miss, I fear being pregnant again.

Since the accident, I've begun having panic attacks.
I've never had them before. They are paralyzing. 

Here's the thing, I got injured 2 weeks before my marathon and still ran it. I was told I was miscarrying my daughter and now she is an awesome 2 year old (yes, she has seizures, but so far they aren't hurting her). While driving our truck, I slid off a mountain cliff and rolled the truck down the side of the mountain and walked away. God has blessed me. That is not in question. He has VERY OBVIOUSLY ordained these situations and kept us safe through them.

My problem is that I can't figure it out.

Why didn't that injury stop me from running?
Why do so many women miscarry and my body went through everything that it should have during a miscarriage, but I have my daughter?
Why, when all of the emergency responders tell me that normally they are extracting a body from an accident like that, did I get to walk away scratch free?

I know it seems twisted to think that way, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around these things.

Isn't that the point?
To admit that we're human, that we haven't yet arrived, that we don't understand it all?

God knows I'm a work in progress.
He knows that sometimes I am weak.
Sometimes I give into temptation.
Sometimes I doubt, and fear, and fail.

And that's ok.
It's in these moments that He gets the opportunity to show up and remind me that He is sufficient, that He is all I need.

It's not easy to trust Him.
In fact, it's terrifying.

But that doesn't mean it's not worth it.

In The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (the book, not the movie), Lucy and Mr. Beaver are talking about Aslan (who is of course a metaphor for God):

"Is he - quite safe?" - Susan

"Safe?... 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." - Mr. Beaver

I need to wrap my brain around this. I'm not naive. I know life is going to be full of struggles and hardships, joy and pain, fun and challenges, happiness and grief.

So, I think it comes down to how I want to approach each of these situations.

God is going to let happen to us whatever He chooses. He will allow things that will contribute to His purposes and glory.

I need to decide if He and I are on the same team.

Will I embrace each difficult circumstance with a willingness to rejoice no matter what or will I stiffen up and put up my defenses because I don't want to go through it?

I need to rely on Him to even help me trust Him, to keep me focused on Him. When left to myself, I doubt and question and get distracted.

I want to focus on Him because at the end of my life I would rather say that even though I did not always understand the details of the storyline, God is still the best author.

To download this free printable, go HERE.

I sincerely hope that by walking with me on this journey, you find hope.
Hope in the fact that you don't have to have all of this mastered yet.

It's ok to still be a work in progress.
I am.
-kt

The end...

It's the end of an era.

The Bible tells us that there is a time to mourn...

...this is that time.

I'm turning 30.

BUT, instead of focusing on the fact that my 20's are over and how sad that makes me, I think I need to reflect on all the awesome that took place during these 10 years.

*DISCLAIMER* This is a very personal post. I wrote it more for me... so I won't be offended if you stop reading now.  :)

Year 20
I began my 20's living with the BEST roommates. Women I really admire.

I was dating the man who I would eventually marry.

I was studying a subject that really interested me at a school where I loved the ministry I was apart of.

I was raising support to move to Lake Tahoe for the summer.

I spent that summer with some of the most amazing people I've ever known and that was where God stirred my heart to head overseas.

Year 21
I was able to travel. A lot. All over the States. From the west coast for MPD training, to the South to visit friends, to the Southeast for Spring Break and to visit my sweet Great Aunt.  (Not to mention JesusLand - for real! There were camels and everything!)

And, then I kept traveling. I got on a plane in August and headed to CO for a week followed by moving to the other side of the world. Literally.

Oh the adventures we had! Learning a new language and culture. Exploring. New foods. New friends.  New memories. Priceless. I know I'll never again experience anything like that. I'm so grateful for that time. If nothing else, I feel like I walked away from that year with such a bigger understanding of God and His love for ALL people. Invaluable.

During my time overseas, year 22 started...

Year 22
More traveling, more exploring, more new friends.

Don't mind me looking like a mess... it was humid!

Returning to the States was hard. It was so difficult to bring the person I had become and the experiences I had back to people who hadn't seen me evolve in those ways, and therefore expected me to be the same girl who left. I just wasn't.

Some friendships were strained, others were blossoming.

I got a job I ended up LOVING as a barista at Starbucks. Seriously, best.job.ever.

Year 23
I officially moved to Green Bay.

John proposed.  :)

I graduated from college.

We were planning the wedding while he was living his new-found dream of working with livestock in the mountains.

And, then he returned and we got married!

Year 24
One of the best.

Even though being married brought challenges and we lived in our fair share of crummy apartments, we had an awesome first year.

I was actually using my degree in the Psych world. It was a hard job, but I took comfort in the fact that this was what I trained for.

Some girlfriends and I started our Core 4 - which ended up being one of the BEST things that I've ever being apart of. Ever. I'm so grateful.

New friendships were forming and growing.

I joined the worship team at church.

God was definitely starting to build a foundation of authentic friendships and great leadership in my life. I had no idea.

We moved.

And, apparently I didn't take too many photos...

Year 25
Very shortly after my 25th birthday, we found out we were expecting our first baby.

My Core 4 changed a bit.

I started in a Titus 2 Homemaking Group. Loved every minute.

We moved... again.

We had the Little Mister show up early (but not too early).  :)

I started playing around with a nice camera.

Year 26
I quit my job to stay home with the Little Mister and do in-home childcare.

My Core 4 and I got closer and closer. (That'll happen when you all have your 1st babies within 6 months of each other)

We moved again.

Year 27
Oh, you know, I just ran a marathon. No big deal.

And, then we got pregnant with the Little Miss.

Her pregnancy was pretty rough and we had to say goodbye to my sweet grandmother and my great-aunt.

We made even more memories with our sweet friends.

John got hired on by a camp in Colorado to be their Equestrian Program Manager and we started raising support.

And had the Little Miss.

Year 28
Ev went back into the hospital shortly after my birthday which post-poned our next move temporarily.

Then, we moved... again.

This time it was into my in-law's house so we could save up some money while we raised the rest of our support.

We spent the spring there and then...

...you guessed it. We moved.

Out to CO this time to work as missionaries at a Christian Camp.

We had a blast getting to know our sweet new hometown and the ways of the camp.

We came back to WI for my Gparent's 60th Anniversary celebration and we had Evie dedicated by my Uncle David.

And, guess what? WE MOVED AGAIN.
(but this time it was TOTALLY worth it)  :)

One tough thing from this year: Evie was diagnosed with seizures.

Year 29
I spent a lot of time with the kids at the park and the library, getting to know tourists and locals.

We thoroughly enjoyed the busyness of camp and town.

Friday horse shows were my favorite.

And, we got to play - we snowshoed, hiked 14'ers, camped out, went to the hot springs, explored on horseback, I learned a little more about training horses and was able to contribute to camp by playing photographer.

My family came out to bring my nieces and my cousin's daughter to Horse Camp. They were here for the 4th of July, which is THE BEST here.

We were able to travel back to WI for my grandmother's funeral, the annual family trip with John's family, Christmas and John's grandpa's funeral.

I did have a little accident with the truck, but God provided through it.

Some sweet friends came to visit.

SURPRISE! We moved again! This time onto camp property.

We also added a little lady to our family.

So, I guess, all things considered, saying goodbye to my 20's isn't the worst thing.
I've come a long way... and I've had awesome friends and family on this journey with me.
I'm so grateful.

And, I'm excited to see what my 30's will bring!
I guess we'll see!
-kt

Not growing weary in the waiting...

I feel like this is my current challenge.

We're waiting on so much...
   ...waiting to afford a vehicle
   ...waiting to see if my husband has a job in a few weeks
   ...waiting to find out how to deal with the Little Miss's seizures
   ...waiting to find out if we're moving or staying where we are
   ...waiting to make holiday travel plans because of the previously mentioned reasons
   ...waiting to think about baby #3 because of all of this uncertainty
   ...waiting to find out about my dad's health
 
Those are all really big things for us.

But, I'm waiting in the little things, too...
   ...waiting to go grocery shopping to see how far we can stretch our food from the last trip
   ...waiting for the kids to start playing together more consistently
   ...waiting for a big snow to hopefully push animals down for next hunting season
   ...waiting to decorate for the holidays in case we are moving soon
   ...waiting to dust because, frankly, I don't feel like it!

People say all sorts of different cliche things, like "God can't direct your path unless you're moving," or "The only way you'll know if the door is opened or closed is if you try walking through it."

All of the big things in the first list are kind of out of our control. We can't take steps of faith in them. We are really just stuck in a place of waiting for others to decide our fate.

It's really hard not to grow weary of the waiting.

It's hard not to get bitter/scared/frustrated that we live a lifestyle that provides absolutely no security.

A friend of mine and I were recently discussing how great people of faith were often looked at as being foolish.

Abraham almost sacrificed his son Isaac.
Then they came to the place of which God had told him; and Abraham built the altar there and arranged the wood, and bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Abraham stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
              Genesis 22:9-10 (Read the rest of the story. It's a good one!)

David danced like a crazy man.
And David was dancing before the LORD with all his might,... Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD...
              2 Samuel 6:14a and part of verse 16

Joshua was told to march around Jericho for a week straight playing instruments so the wall would fall when they hollered on the seventh day.
Then on the seventh day they rose early at the dawning of the day and marched around the city in the same manner seven times; only on that day they marched around the city seven times. At the seventh time, when the priests blew the trumpets, Joshua said to the people, "Shout! For the LORD has given you the city." So the people shouted, and priests blew the trumpets; and when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted with a great shout and the wall fell down flat,..
              Joshua 6:15-16, 20a

Joseph married Mary anyway.
And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly... When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife.
              Matthew 1:19 and 24

But, I think the truth was that they realized God had their backs.
That no matter what the world said, no matter how the world defines success, security, etc, that God is the one who is ultimately in control of the end game anyway.
I believe they had a peace about the fact that God was working in the details, in the stuff we can't see, behind the scenes.

Yes, sometimes He tells us exactly what to do and gives us what we need to do it.

But, sometimes He makes us wait.
     and wait.
          and wait.
                and wonder how He's going to make it right.

The people in those examples I mentioned didn't have the details. They didn't know how God was going to fix it. They just trusted that He would. Even if it wasn't exactly how they wanted it to turn out.

In those moments, we probably look foolish, because with so much up in the air, shouldn't we be doing something?!

I want to do what God has for me.
But I really don't want to do the things He doesn't have for me.

What if He is asking me to wait?
What if I tried to reconcile all of these things and ended up messing up His plan?
What if, by not being comfortable just waiting for Him, I miss out on something great?

So, for now, I wait.

and pray for peace.

and wait.

Because I know that if I let Him work it all out for us, it'll end up so much better than we could've orchestrated on our own.

It always works that way.

-kt

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall fun and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31