An Open Letter...

to all my friends who don't have medically-fragile children,

   First, let me start by saying I miss you. This stage of life we're in, raising tiny people, can sometimes feel like a run-out-the-clock (until bedtime) sort of situation. I know we're both busy. I know life is crazy. It doesn't make me miss you any less. I think about you more than you know.

   I realize I am MIA from time to time. And, I know there are times you take that personal. I'd like to ask you to take pause before you let it hurt. It's not intentional. I promise. Sometimes I can answer your text right away. Sometimes I open it and immediately have to drop my phone and run. And, unfortunately, I never know which one it's going to be.

   I need to apologize. I know that there are times it seems like I think I'm superior to you because I'm going through something you can't understand. I'm sure I've unintentionally given off the vibe that "I know your life is stressful, but look how much more stressful mine is..." I also know I probably seem selfish because of how often I talk about my family's needs. You are probably tired of hearing about how hard my life is or how painful it is to watch my child go through this or how frustrating insurance and doctors and big pharma are. I'm sure you are tired of hearing the same prayer requests at every church service or prayer meeting (and if you're not, that's because I'm afraid you are so I don't bring it up anymore).

   I am really sorry if you've ever felt that way.

   I'm sorry for the times you have felt overlooked because it's 'always about me'. I try to not let this be the case. But, to be honest, when those moments happen, more often than not, it is a desperate plea for you to SEE ME. For you to notice me. To hopefully be understood on some small level. And, to be shown grace for all the times you've felt like I've let you down.

   Because the truth is, you can't know what this is like. You cannot understand. And, to be really honest, it hurts when you say you do. Because that's when I know you really don't see me.

   The really hard thing is that, as much as I want to feel understood by you, I know the only way for that to happen is to have you going through the same thing. And, there's NO CHANCE I'd EVER wish this upon you. I would never wish upon you the constant worry and wondering when the next seizure is going to strike and never being comfortable or at peace if she's out of your sight and the nonsense of dealing with medicine schedules and refilling prescriptions and fighting with insurance and doctor's appointments and tests and more tests and not enough tests and wondering why in 5 years we've never had her seizures under control and giving every ounce of yourself every single day just to have to do it all night too and yet fearing sleep and slides and swings and pools and bath time and food coloring and candy (and trick-or-treat and valentines and christmas candy and easter egg hunts and birthday treats at school) and trips in the car and having to go to meetings at school to educate the staff on epilepsy and emergency procedures and writing protocols and changing EVERYTHING every few months because nothing works and trips to the ER... so many trips to the ER and dealing with soiled bed sheets and clothes because seizures take away her ability to control it and holding your unresponsive child and not being able to hold your other children because this one NEEDS you again and watching her be unable to form coherent sentences even though you can tell she knows what she wants but cannot find the words or seeing her blue and convulsing on the floor and begging God to heal her because you know that every single seizure has the potential to take her from you forever and still always hearing "not yet."

   Nope. I really don't want you to understand that.

   I know there are things that you have experienced that I cannot understand because I have not walked through those same trials. And, I apologize for the times when I have cheapened your experiences by presuming that I know what it was like to be you in those scenarios or, worse... made you feel like that matters less than what I've dealt with. Please, please forgive me.

   So, I guess what it comes down to is this... dear friend, I'm asking for grace and patience. Before you allow yourself to feel hurt that I don't initiate, consider the possibility that it was a bad epilepsy night and we didn't get much sleep. Before you mentally roll your eyes when I start venting about things, please consider that I'm trying to let you in on a very challenging and painful thing we're experiencing and I'm trying to help you understand. Before you tell me you "get it" or that you understand, maybe consider the possibility that you don't. And, know that I think that's ok. I don't need you to understand. Some days it's all I can do to simply make sure my family successfully makes it through the day. If I somehow am blessed with the energy to not only go out with you, but also have the mental capacity to hold a grown-up and coherent conversation, please, at some point during our time together, just listen. That's all I really need. I need someone to hear the hurt, to hear the stress, to hear my heart, and to be ok with me just as I am that day.

And, please, always remember that (even when I can't express it well) I love you and am so grateful for your friendship.

The Big One

Friday.

A game changer.

The day of the big one.

Our daughter has battled with uncontrolled epilepsy for nearly 3 years.
She will be 4 years old in about 2 weeks.

She had a rough pregnancy, her first seizures on her first birthday, lots of testing and trips to Children's hospital, many different meds and treatments. She is my little hero.

The seizures are normally absence seizures. She looks like she zones out, spots on her face twitch, and just as quick, she comes right back and goes about playing.

But, this one...

This one was on the floor, convulsing, little lips turning blue, mommy calling 9-1-1.

This was scary.

*We're all ok now*

I've started Bible journaling.

I've had some trouble over the past couple of years getting into the Word.
It's hard with all these littles running about to find the time or energy to really study.

This has been a GREAT way for me to meditate on scripture in the midst of mommy hood.

I'm not super confident in my artistic ability.

But, this one, including her sweet little handprints, is one of my favorites so far.

When we were going through our crazy pregnancy with her, we were told we were miscarrying her. I trusted God to do what He saw as best, but I (of course) wanted this child to be healthy and whole and a part of our family.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him."
      1 Samuel 1:27

In the next verse, Hannah is expressing that, because God saw fit to give Samuel to her, she would give him back to the Lord.

While we were pregnant, my father-in-law told us that our sweet Little Miss would be used mightily for the kingdom of God.

On our bad days, I struggle to see how that can come true, but I'm hopeful. I hope that people can see the way the Lord is giving us hope, the way He is sustaining us, the way He is protecting her and providing for us. I hope people can see that even on my darkest, saddest days, I still trust Him. I've honestly really been struggling, but I know He is good. I know He loves us. I know He cares for her.
I know.

Give us strength to be used by you, Lord.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.
  Therefore I have lent him to the LORD.
  As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD."
       1 Samuel 1:27 & 28

I'm so grateful.
-kt

Why I don't care about Starbucks' cups...

This post could probably also be titled, "Why I'll Never Have a Large Blog Following."

I really only post when I'm fired up about something.

And, in this way-too-easily-offended culture we are living in, I'm sure I tick people off.

But, this morning, I don't care.

My dad sent me an email this morning asking how I feel about the whole red cup controversy.

Frankly, for a person who lives three hours from the nearest Starbucks, I'm probably a little too fired up about it. But, it is what it is. 

I DON'T CARE. 

I don't care that their cups don't say "Merry Christmas."

I don't care that they aren't having Christian symbols anywhere this holiday season.

They aren't a Christian company! Why do we expect them to act like one?

I am a Christian. I was raised Christian. I decided on my own to remain a Christian into my adulthood. I lived overseas as a missionary. I considered myself a missionary to my college and in my work environments. So, you can read all this with that preface. 

I wish Christians would stop expecting non-Christians corporations to act in Christian ways.

So what if their cup doesn't say "Merry Christmas"? 

The jug of milk and loaf of bread that I just picked up at the grocery store don't say that either, but I still bought them. Personally, I don't get offended when the gas station clerk wishes me "Happy Holidays" instead of saying "Merry Christmas." And, seriously, if you can live by only shopping at Hobby Lobby and eating at Chick-fil-A, more power to you.

Perhaps we should stop boycotting places and demanding that others do things OUR way. 

Maybe instead, we SHOULD go into these places and spread some love and joy and peace instead of malice and frustration and anger that our own needs aren't being met exactly how we see fit. 

I honestly don't think Jesus would've cared AT ALL about what his coffee cup said, but I CAN GUARANTEE that he would've brightened up His barista's day. He would have left her feeling blessed and loved. 

(And, by the way, He totally forewarned us that stuff like this would happen. He told us we'd have troubles in this world. We live in a fallen world. Stuff like this should come as no surprise.)

Our response when we face troubles is to be gracious, full of patience, kindness, love. 

Now, to be clear, I do not consider this whole cup nonsense to be anything close to persecution, but I think we can still think about this verse in light of this situation:

"But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame." 

                1 Peter 3:14-16

How are we supposed to behave? 

Like people with hope, with gentleness and respect. Not full of malice and demands. Tell me, who is going to be attracted to our lifestyle if this is why we make headlines?

Instead, let's get all riled up about doing good this Christmas. Let's get all fired up about spreading love and joy. Maybe as a church, instead of boycotting a coffeeshop, we should come together and join forces to make sure that no homeless person has nowhere to go this Christmas. Let's make sure that there is not one kid in the foster care system who feels like an outsider on Christmas morning. Let's go buy a whole bunch of those offensive red cups full of cocoa and go visit your local old folks home to spend time with the elderly whose families live far away this Christmas. 

Let's take something that offends us and turn it into something good. 

Spread love.

Do good.

Be light.

For heaven's sake.

-kt

Weed Your Life

I've started gardening.

As a self-proclaimed "black thumb," I really have no business attempting a garden.

Yet, here I am, hoping against hope that I get SOMETHING out of the ground during harvest time.

We just moved to this home this past February.

I've heard it said that you should never plant in a new yard the first year you're there so that you can see what is already planted.

Do you want to know what's here?

Let me tell you what is here...

WEEDS!

Lots of them.

Everywhere.

But, I didn't know what was what so I took to Facebook for all the answers.
(I mean, who doesn't do that nowadays?!)
((Thanks to everyone who responded, by the way))

I quickly learned what to pull and what to keep.

One of my favorite responses was from our sweet friends and former mentors from Green Bay.

Lydia said this:

Mark always says anything you don't like or want where it is is simply a weed...pretty or not

I think that was really good advice. It made weeding a lot easier because I stopped being so concerned about what each thing was and started thinking about my garden and my yard as a whole. I started focusing on the end goal, my hope for my yard, what I wanted it to be like. This made every decision about every individual plant so much easier.

And then, one afternoon, with my hands in the dirt, I got to thinking...

Weeds tend to take up the nutrients and water that should be going to the plants that you intended to grow. If left unattended, they will take over and push out the good things in your garden.

So, we need to ask - What are the "weeds" in our lives?

These can be unhealthy habits, time-suckers, or even good things that are simply misplaced. Maybe you have too many things going on. Maybe you are pursuing something good, but it's just not the right time. Maybe you are letting yourself get distracted or lazy about something you need to be proactive about. It might be time to weed some of those out.

We have to get rid of the weeds so that the things we cherish have room to flourish.

I've been struggling with my identity for a while. Becoming a mom is hard. You go from carefully curating a collection of activities and experiences in your life to being completely at the mercy of each whim, desire, and need of a tiny human. I've spent too long thinking of all the things I can no longer do, the "me" I can no longer be. And while part of this is due to our relocation, much of it simply has to do with having three little kids that I am responsible for all day and night, every day and night.

As I was weeding in my garden, I began to think about my life. There are a lot of things I'd rather not do. Things that I wish were weeds that I could simply pull and throw in the fire. Sometimes there are days where I get overwhelmed with diapers and dishes and laundry and diffusing pointless fights and cleaning up unnecessary messes and wondering if my life currently means anything at all.

But, since those things are non-negotiable with tiny children, I need to be ok with picking a few things that I do want to be true of me and focusing on those. (There will come a time later on when they are older and I will be able to start doing some of the things I don't currently have time for.)

I need to rip out the real weeds, rip out the misplaced plants, and spend my time and energy on the few that I want to see succeed. I need to stop dreaming about what my garden will look like someday and start cultivating it to be the best it can be now.

And, just like weeding my garden with three small kids around, this will take time. It's going to take time to figure out what I want to make room for and what can be put aside until later. (I mean, it took me three days just to weed a tiny flowerbed in our yard. There's no way I'm figuring out my life while typing this blog post!)

It also requires maintenance. I walk through my garden every day to pull the little weeds that made their way above ground during the night. I know I will need to continually evaluate the things in my life to make sure they are taking the right amount of time and priority.

One weed for me has been technology. I love my time with my computer and my phone. I love social media, because out here in the middle of no where, it makes me feel somewhat connected. But, I also know that I can waste a LOT of time looking at screens instead of my kids. I have good intentions. Often I'm looking up ideas for things I can do with the kids or ways to make their playroom better or recipes to try for Evie. But, even so, I know I spend too much time with my computer and not enough with them.

So, that needs to get pulled (or at least pruned). And, in it's place, I've planted...

One fun thing - per kid - per day. 

I've been trying to do (at least) one fun thing, per kid, per day.
I'm not the kind of mom that is all tea parties and crafts and games and books from the moment they get up until bedtime.
I am an introvert by nature and with Evie's dietary needs, that would just be too exhausting.
So, this is my baby step.

Today was kicking a soccer ball around with Jake, painting with Evie, and practicing crawling with Izzie.

I know that to you moms who this comes naturally for, you're probably thinking how terrible I am for needing to be intentional about this, though I'm SURE I'm not alone.

Now, at the end of the day, no matter what else happens, I will be able to go to bed knowing that I spent quality time with each of my kids. It wasn't much. I know I can do better. But, it's something. They had my time, my attention, my eyes and ears, they had me for those moments. It has honestly made our home so much more peaceful during the day. When I do need a minute, they are more willing to give it to me.

Baby steps. Pruning. Pulling. Transplanting.

I'm going to be a work in progress, but hopefully my life and my days will start looking a little more like I want them to.

-kt

Why We Let Our Kids Go Trick-or-Treating... and other thoughts on Halloween

 Halloween is a very controversial topic among Christians.

*I am not suggesting that this should be the standard for your family. I believe that each Christian should ask the Lord what he/she should do and should base their actions on that.*

My husband and I have done that. We are comfortable with our decision.
I will not judge you for your decision... please offer me the same level of respect.

So, with that said, here's our thoughts on Halloween.

I personally am quite uncomfortable with most Halloween decorations. I place pumpkins around my home, but it pretty much stops there. I don't believe in ghosts or zombies and I don't want my home to be covered in those things. I want my home to always be inviting, warm, loving, and traditional Halloween decorations do not reflect those things.

While we obviously don't want to train our children to participate in evil, we do want to train our children to get in there and actively fight it.

And, while you can make a point by standing on the sidelines, you're not truly in the fight unless you're IN the fight. You can't win a battle if you don't participate.

Jesus didn't sit on the sidelines. He called out the demons. He ate dinner with hookers and corrupt tax collectors. He looked evil in the face and, when it seemed all hope was lost, he rose again and conquered it forever. 

He got his hands dirty.

I was the kind of kid who, if kept away from something "bad," began to fear it. I still fear the unknown. I wish that instead I had someone walk me though scary or controversial situations to show me how to handle it and how to stay above reproach in the midst of it.

Fear and lack of understanding is NOT how I want my kids to face unknown or new situations.

We will accomplish so much more by taking our small children around and showing those who hoped to scare them that our kids are already wise enough to know there is nothing to fear by their decorations and costumes because they have Jesus on their side.

I want my kids to be able to walk into every situation armed with the power of Christ and the ability to bring light into it. And, I want them to show others that we can always have fun and experience joy with them.

I will not send them into situations unarmed or alone. But, my husband and I can walk with them through this and teach them how to be "in the world but not of it."

It's possible.

And, I don't think I'll do it perfect every time, but thankfully God shows me grace and I trust that He can protect my kids even when I fail.

I know that as they grow, situations are going to be a lot harder to discern than 'should I let my kids put on a cute costume and get free candy?' But I believe the principle will remain the same.

Instead of staying in our own little bubble to make a point, we can go out on a night where most of our neighbors are outside, walking around, open to talking and getting to know others. We can introduce ourselves and let them see that we're humans, too. We can be friendly and kind and compliment their children's costumes. We can laugh with them and share some sweets. We can make memories with them. We can set a good example by having fun and creative costumes without the scary/gory aspect. We can "do life" with our neighbors.

We can get our hands dirty. 

What if Jesus had said, "Oh geez, that guy is demon possessed! That's too much darkness and I won't take part in that, because that's just too much! Obviously Satan has won this round..."? I don't ever want my kids to think there is so much bad that the good they can bring isn't worth getting into it.

I don't believe that by trick-or-treating I'm being passive and exposing my children to evils that they don't yet understand. I KNOW I'm being intentional and using this to teach them spiritual principles... and letting them have a little fun and a little sugar-rush along the way is a plus.

If we don't stand up and fight evil, bring light into it, show it that it cannot win, who will?

I believe that by ignoring it or fearing it, we give it more power. We need to get involved. We need to participate. We need to go in armed with God's power and spread His light. We won't be able to share our opinions about the origin of this day if we aren't around anyone who will hear it. And, we'll never be able to speak to someone on a heart level when they are feeling judged. Do life with people. Love them where they are. Stay above reproach in the midst of controversial situations. Be the light that Jesus wants us to be. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Hide it under a bushel? NO! Let it shine.

-kt

Processing... (and a FREE printable)

Fear used to come out in subtle ways...

Insecurity that would hold me back from trying new things or giving my all on the court = fear of failure.

Sticking to friends who already knew me because I was sure that new people wouldn't like me or find me cool enough = fear of rejection.

Not volunteering to help in situations where I may have been able to contribute something valuable = fear of disappointing others.

But, I've taken baby steps.
Running the marathon was a BIG deal for me because I had to put many fears aside in order to do it. I had feared that I wouldn't finish, that I'd look ridiculous, that I'd get injured and in doing so, disappoint all who came to cheer me on. But, mainly I feared proving all of my self-doubt right, that I would inevitably fail.

I didn't.

I certainly didn't have an outstanding finish time, but all things considered, I rocked that marathon.

In my life, I usually go one of two ways: either I let insecurities stop me from doing little things or I attack big things head on.

Things that were a big deal to me were things that I could somehow run at full steam.
On the other hand, if something could be considered small or not a big deal, I could justify brushing it off and not trying because it didn't really matter.

The problem with that was that I was getting myself into the habit of letting fear and insecurity win because I was getting used to giving up on lots of little things every day.

I know this sounds weird, but here's an example. I enjoyed singing on the worship team at our church of over a thousand people where I would be singing into a microphone or have solos, duets, whatever but the idea of being in the choir freaked me out. I don't know why... don't ask.

But, it feels like my fears are a lot more obvious now.

After everything with the Little Miss, I fear being pregnant again.

Since the accident, I've begun having panic attacks.
I've never had them before. They are paralyzing. 

Here's the thing, I got injured 2 weeks before my marathon and still ran it. I was told I was miscarrying my daughter and now she is an awesome 2 year old (yes, she has seizures, but so far they aren't hurting her). While driving our truck, I slid off a mountain cliff and rolled the truck down the side of the mountain and walked away. God has blessed me. That is not in question. He has VERY OBVIOUSLY ordained these situations and kept us safe through them.

My problem is that I can't figure it out.

Why didn't that injury stop me from running?
Why do so many women miscarry and my body went through everything that it should have during a miscarriage, but I have my daughter?
Why, when all of the emergency responders tell me that normally they are extracting a body from an accident like that, did I get to walk away scratch free?

I know it seems twisted to think that way, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around these things.

Isn't that the point?
To admit that we're human, that we haven't yet arrived, that we don't understand it all?

God knows I'm a work in progress.
He knows that sometimes I am weak.
Sometimes I give into temptation.
Sometimes I doubt, and fear, and fail.

And that's ok.
It's in these moments that He gets the opportunity to show up and remind me that He is sufficient, that He is all I need.

It's not easy to trust Him.
In fact, it's terrifying.

But that doesn't mean it's not worth it.

In The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (the book, not the movie), Lucy and Mr. Beaver are talking about Aslan (who is of course a metaphor for God):

"Is he - quite safe?" - Susan

"Safe?... 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." - Mr. Beaver

I need to wrap my brain around this. I'm not naive. I know life is going to be full of struggles and hardships, joy and pain, fun and challenges, happiness and grief.

So, I think it comes down to how I want to approach each of these situations.

God is going to let happen to us whatever He chooses. He will allow things that will contribute to His purposes and glory.

I need to decide if He and I are on the same team.

Will I embrace each difficult circumstance with a willingness to rejoice no matter what or will I stiffen up and put up my defenses because I don't want to go through it?

I need to rely on Him to even help me trust Him, to keep me focused on Him. When left to myself, I doubt and question and get distracted.

I want to focus on Him because at the end of my life I would rather say that even though I did not always understand the details of the storyline, God is still the best author.

To download this free printable, go HERE.

I sincerely hope that by walking with me on this journey, you find hope.
Hope in the fact that you don't have to have all of this mastered yet.

It's ok to still be a work in progress.
I am.
-kt

Not growing weary in the waiting...

I feel like this is my current challenge.

We're waiting on so much...
   ...waiting to afford a vehicle
   ...waiting to see if my husband has a job in a few weeks
   ...waiting to find out how to deal with the Little Miss's seizures
   ...waiting to find out if we're moving or staying where we are
   ...waiting to make holiday travel plans because of the previously mentioned reasons
   ...waiting to think about baby #3 because of all of this uncertainty
   ...waiting to find out about my dad's health
 
Those are all really big things for us.

But, I'm waiting in the little things, too...
   ...waiting to go grocery shopping to see how far we can stretch our food from the last trip
   ...waiting for the kids to start playing together more consistently
   ...waiting for a big snow to hopefully push animals down for next hunting season
   ...waiting to decorate for the holidays in case we are moving soon
   ...waiting to dust because, frankly, I don't feel like it!

People say all sorts of different cliche things, like "God can't direct your path unless you're moving," or "The only way you'll know if the door is opened or closed is if you try walking through it."

All of the big things in the first list are kind of out of our control. We can't take steps of faith in them. We are really just stuck in a place of waiting for others to decide our fate.

It's really hard not to grow weary of the waiting.

It's hard not to get bitter/scared/frustrated that we live a lifestyle that provides absolutely no security.

A friend of mine and I were recently discussing how great people of faith were often looked at as being foolish.

Abraham almost sacrificed his son Isaac.
Then they came to the place of which God had told him; and Abraham built the altar there and arranged the wood, and bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Abraham stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
              Genesis 22:9-10 (Read the rest of the story. It's a good one!)

David danced like a crazy man.
And David was dancing before the LORD with all his might,... Michal the daughter of Saul looked out of the window and saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD...
              2 Samuel 6:14a and part of verse 16

Joshua was told to march around Jericho for a week straight playing instruments so the wall would fall when they hollered on the seventh day.
Then on the seventh day they rose early at the dawning of the day and marched around the city in the same manner seven times; only on that day they marched around the city seven times. At the seventh time, when the priests blew the trumpets, Joshua said to the people, "Shout! For the LORD has given you the city." So the people shouted, and priests blew the trumpets; and when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted with a great shout and the wall fell down flat,..
              Joshua 6:15-16, 20a

Joseph married Mary anyway.
And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly... When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife.
              Matthew 1:19 and 24

But, I think the truth was that they realized God had their backs.
That no matter what the world said, no matter how the world defines success, security, etc, that God is the one who is ultimately in control of the end game anyway.
I believe they had a peace about the fact that God was working in the details, in the stuff we can't see, behind the scenes.

Yes, sometimes He tells us exactly what to do and gives us what we need to do it.

But, sometimes He makes us wait.
     and wait.
          and wait.
                and wonder how He's going to make it right.

The people in those examples I mentioned didn't have the details. They didn't know how God was going to fix it. They just trusted that He would. Even if it wasn't exactly how they wanted it to turn out.

In those moments, we probably look foolish, because with so much up in the air, shouldn't we be doing something?!

I want to do what God has for me.
But I really don't want to do the things He doesn't have for me.

What if He is asking me to wait?
What if I tried to reconcile all of these things and ended up messing up His plan?
What if, by not being comfortable just waiting for Him, I miss out on something great?

So, for now, I wait.

and pray for peace.

and wait.

Because I know that if I let Him work it all out for us, it'll end up so much better than we could've orchestrated on our own.

It always works that way.

-kt

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall fun and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31